You’re doing much better than you think you are.

I went to my GP yesterday. This was my second doctor visit in three days, and at the end of the last one, I was told I’d need a surgery consult. Which I’m a huge non-fan of. So you can imagine how excited I was to be back there again. This time, I was already in pain and wanting some relief. Turned out my issue was quite benign and solved easily. But the best part was when we were talking about my fitness goals and she looked over her screen and said,

‘Well, you’ve already lost over 20lbs this year and…’

Don’t actually know what she said after that because I stopped listening to be honest. Partly because Chésaweh was pulling THOSE swabs out of a drawer and partly because I was rather gobsmacked. Whaa??!! She must have noticed my jaw hit the ground because she went back and repeated it.

So.

Since Jan this year?

I’ve lost 22lbs.

I’ll take it.

This made me pause (Well. As much as one can pause while chasing a two and a half year old who hasn’t napped) and consider the voice in my head. You know the one I’m talking about. Mine can get rather mean… sorta like she didn’t get much love or attention as a child (unlike me). She sometimes gets me convinced that everything is very dire. And I’m totally blaming her for my response to every. single. person who told me I was looking well this year.

I’d get on skype with my sister and she’d say, ‘You look like you’ve lost some weight. You’re looking healthier.’ And I’d invariably respond in some ‘You’re just being nice to me because you’re my sister and you love me and you have to say stuff like that’ kind of way. I wasn’t taking it in. At all. Even when absolute strangers said it, I just assumed they were being ‘polite’… so I smiled and said thank you while the VMIH (voice in my head) rolled her eyes and said, ‘Yeah. Right!’

I’d tell my doctor that I was worried about diabetes and heart disease and all the other stuff constantly being thrown out into the world towards us *ahem* full-figured people and when she asked what I was doing about it, I’d say, ‘I’ve been hiking at Pt. Pinole, and eating less fat, sugar, carbs etc but nothing seems to be working!!’ I was starting to look for a magic pill. Really. I was starting to google ‘How to apply for The Biggest Loser’.

It’s kinda crazy to me that of all things, I’ve joined the ranks of people obsessed with their bodies. I swore I’d never be one of those people but here I am. Thinking about it all the time. I would love to get back into my favourite jeans or that dress Cameron loves to see me in. Most of all though? I’d love to be able to run around with Chésaweh and not get so out of breath so quickly. I’d love to go hiking over a mountain for hours and not be worried that I won’t make it. I’d like to feel more certain that I’ll be around to enjoy my kiddo’s life and that I’ll get to participate fully in it. For as long as he’ll let me, of course! Ha!! And you know what? It’s working. The exercising, the eating better. The moving. It’s working.

I am doing much better than I thought I was. (thanks to my friend Shelly for this awesome shot of me!)

And I’d be willing to bet a million bucks (if I had them!) that you are too! Go on. Have a quick think right now… what have you been berating yourself for lately? Is it really as bad as you’ve been telling yourself it is? Or are you actually doing better than you thought you were?

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2 Comments

  1. Reply
    ajira October 21, 2011

    Thanks so much Nicole! I’m loving connecting with and getting to know you better too. Thanks for reading and leaving me some blog love. 😀

  2. Reply
    Nicole Leebeck October 20, 2011

    honestly? I love you. So happy to have found you! So much of what you are putting out here, I am right. there. too! 🙂 <3 Keep up the good work my friend!

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